i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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