She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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