Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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