Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
