Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
