first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
