I met the friendliest cop last night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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