Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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