You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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