The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
