so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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