So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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