Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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