My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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