His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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