and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
