Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
