So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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