I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
