I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize