i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
