FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
