shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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