well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
