He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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