I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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