i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
