dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
