I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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