I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
