My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
