Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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