she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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