remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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