remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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