This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
