so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
