I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
