i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
