we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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