I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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