my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
