Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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