Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
