Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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