please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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