There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
