get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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