she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
nutella sex= disaster
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
