Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
