Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
