so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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