Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
