I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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