I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
