I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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