Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
