imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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