Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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