I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
